I am an emotional person. When I was in my late 20’s something interesting happened in my walk with my Jesus. I realized that I was ridiculously emotional about my relationship with Him. Now, before I start a riot about being charismatic versus non-charismatic, please know that is not at all what I’m talking about.

 

At 19 I met Jesus on the corner of Main street in downtown Picher, Ok., during a tent revival for Eagle’s Nest Fellowship of Excitement Church. As you can imagine they were very charismatic and I loved them for it!

 

They showed me love and acceptance and I am eternally grateful for the pastor and his wife, Lloyd and Susie Stone who were willing to house two wayward girls home from college on summer break, that being my sister and me.

 

I enjoyed their worship service and I learned that it really is okay to cry during worship and to show emotion toward my Savior. Again, this is not about being charismatic or not. It is about my personal journey and the lesson Jesus taught me along the way.

 

Fast forward about 10 years. I’ve been a Christian for almost a decade, I am married to a pastor, I have a baby and I am what you could call overwhelmed. I have a moderately consistent walk with Jesus, but I began to realize something wasn’t right. I noticed that if I didn’t have some kind of emotional ‘experience’ when I was worshipping or when I would have my quiet time, I felt like I wasn’t really ‘connecting’ with God.

 

It was all emotionally based.

 

For me, something seemed wrong with that. So I began to pray specifically about it. I prayed that God would help me to have a strong walk with Him without all the emotion, that it would be based on intellect and what I knew of His promises from His word.

 

It didn’t take long before I began to notice the change. At first I really loved it. I could have a deep meaningful worship experience without blowing snot and ruining my makeup. It was awesome…for a while.

 

After about a year I felt very dry. I loved Jesus and I knew He loved me, but I had no ‘feelings’ toward Him. I longed to be able to cry over Him. I could cry over just about anything else, just not Him. I couldn’t stand it. I believe this is when the maturing process started.

 

At this point I HAD to go to His word and read His promises about not leaving me and how much He truly loves me and that He is real and ever-present. I had to come to that place of believing without feeling. This was not easy for me.

 

I’m a girl for crying out loud!

 

But, eventually I remembered my prayer and realized this was a pruning process for me. For months I resigned myself to trust Him without feeling Him. Once I saw the lesson for what it was, an answer to prayer, I allowed myself to walk in it, on purpose.

 

To be honest, I didn’t really enjoy it. For this right brained individual, it was hard to depend on what I learned and read in His word instead of my emotions. I am in no way saying I have it figured out and am perfectly balanced in my emotions and intellect – not even close! What I am saying is that after a period of about two years, I began to earnestly pray that God would make my heart tender towards Him again and allow the tears to flow when necessary, but only when necessary.

 

I am so thankful He answered that prayer also. There are times when I don’t ‘feel’ His presence and I have to fight the temptation to think He doesn’t love me as much as He used to. What I now KNOW because of the proverbial drought He let me walk through so many years ago, is that He does love me and that He does want to use me and His promises are true no matter what my emotions tell me.

 

I also have a greater appreciation for my tears than I had before. I look back on those early years of my walk and I hate to admit that I think I manufactured some of those tears because they made me feel more ‘spiritual’.

 

My point is this, I think there has to be a balance between what we feel and what we know, between our emotions and our intellect concerning our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

 

Believe me when I tell you I have plenty of faults in my walk and there are days that I am so very out of sync, but in His grace I think God has given me a little better perspective on my personal walk with Him.

 

What a loving God we serve!